Title:	Untitled
Date:	2008-02-16 @ 15:01
Security:	public
Music:	Some shitty jam band.
Mood:	blank

 I hate cell phones. Being away from the house isn't enough... I get phone calls. And text messages so I can still stress about my home life when I'm safe away in Beaverton. Good. 
I thought I'd be missing all the action of the hacienda... but I'm not. I'm enjoying my time away. 
However, i would be having much more solitary time if it weren't for Andy, my mom's roomate from Kentucky. He's great. And funny. But he just won't leave me alone!!! The TV is always on. And it's not even good stuff... it's golf. Fucking golf. Who watches that shit??
And while the TV is going, he is playing his jam band music. I can only take so much! 
And the only musical outlet in this house is the computer... in the living room. The one room Andy never leaves!!
But I suppose I'm not here for music and television. I'm here for the break, to take care of the pups, and get some college shit done. 
Ugh. 
I'm still missing Micheal a great deal. How do you get your brain to stop? To block off entrance to those memories you just don't want circulating in your thought process for the time being? Access denied. That's all I want. A security system. 
In other news. 
I went to the beach for valentines day. We had a three bedroom suite at seaside. Ate some nice portabellas with Aymie, Andy, George and Kate. And Noelle got really drunk... with some dude that she brought named Colt. Yeah, I wasn't happy about that. 
What was going to be a room for me and Micheal ended up going to Nolle and her guy friend of the moment. 
I slept in the living room. But I brought my festive lights with me so it was home-y. 
The beach was beautiful at night. I've never seen the sky like that. It was one of the most captivating skies I've ever been under. 
I love the beach, I want to go back. 

It's good hardly anyone gets on these things anymore because I'm about to wordvomit all over myself before real vomit comes out. 
How do you stop the nausea?? Each thought and memory sends my stomach plumetting, like he's trying to escape. And it literally feels as if I am about to upchuck my insides. 
I can't listen to any of my music. Incubus is a safe point, but anything else, forget about it. 
I had finally adapted to this new world. Involving myself in all of it. And now going back to that world makes me sick. teary. and downright heartbroken. 
The worst part of it all is knowing I believed that everything was different. Finding safety and security in the fact that this bloody ordeal wouldnt end like the last, because he was different. Oh god, am I really that pathetic little girl? Is that really still me?? 
I thought I had moved up. Took a few more steps. And now I've been knocked 100 feet back. Again. 
And its worse this time because it was all a facade, all disguised. I had no idea. 
It was the hope and belief that I was finally getting what I had waited and waited for. 
And it's so hard coming back to a home at the end of the day where I am still alone. Kate and George. Aymie and Andy. Me. 
Noelle is off somewhere, she hasn't been home in a while. But I'm not sure weather she would be making things worse or better. 
All I can do is sleep. And I've took up my habit of smoking weed again. It helps though. It is impossible for me to cry when I'm high. 
And then I feel so foolish. why should I be crying. Everyone expected this, why didn't I? 
I really just feel lost. Completely and utterly lost. I felt that everything was finally falling into place. That is what I really believed, that this was it. This was the time in my life where things started to make sense and I would have control over my life. 
And now I feel like I'm caught in a horrible unforgiving whirlwind. I'm losing. 
I've got to work today. And I just dont have it in me. 
I feel no remorse when I say it would have been better if that month never happened. I wasn't happy, but I was fine before he came along. 
And now look at me. I'm a wreck. Again. 

 I feel like I have a mother fucking ocean in my stomach. No joke. 
Something about the past week has been shitty for everyone. 
Last night was Andy's birthday, he's 20 now, what a tease!!! 
Noelle hasn't been to the house in almost a week. George and and Andy pretty much live with us now. 
And I can't stop sleeping. I feel so damn sick all the time. 
And my head!!! I can't turn the fucking thing off. It's like pop up porn in my head..absolutely and painfully relentless. 
Turns out I'm still a very young naive little girl. No matter how much I start to believe I'm not anymore.

Year of the Rat, Cheers...

Walking around the cold, leaf ridden streets tonight made me realize that I'm not lonely. 
For once, I want to be alone.

For once, someone loves me, and I want to be alone.

What a strange strange world we live in.

But I'm pretty happy about it.

DONT YOU LOVE THE WEATHER??

 Ive have so many thoughts. And I wish I could lay them all out for the internet world to analyze and read, but 7 weeks of not writing in my livejournal has accumulated too much shit and I'm going to go off what I feel.

For the most part, I'm happy. Moved out to NE with Kate. Rekindled my friendship with CaseyCoffeeBoy. I'm not lonely. I'm really really good.

So whats missing?

I still miss Spencer, at times, terribly. I still can't seem to understand, or even grasp, how a person could be so cold and distant. How does a person change so much?

"If there was to be an award for the most changed person this year, it would without a doubt be Spencer Parsons."

A friend told me this off of something she observed after coming back to school this year. And she's right. At least I'm not the only one who notices it. At least I'm not the only one getting shat on. But yes, sometimes it still hurts.

I just miss my friend. I want that friendship back so badly. And here I am, pathetically missing and craving what he has long forgotten. How is that fair? Well it's not. KARMA. 

But then just as I'm down and complaining, I am reminded how good the world can be, and how I want to be apart of that. 

So yesterday Kate and I were throwing a big halloween party at our new house. But the alcohol was in Beaverton. Party starts at 7. Its 545, we are not in costume, fresh out of the shower, stuck in traffic, and her battery dies. 
Of course we are in the left lane and no one will let us over to the side that a car is supposed to pullover on. So we park on the left hand side, part of the car still in the left lane of traffic. We are also out of gas. 
Just as we are begining to freak out and I'm sure some asshole is going to hit us, we see a tow truck on his way to us. He towed us while we were in the car to a safe place, gave us gas, and refused  to let us pay. 
"just have a better day girls"

What happened to people like this? I'm so glad they still exist. I want to be like that. Helpful. Selfless. Considerate.
It made me happy to know that people still care. There is still good in the world, and I benefitted from it. 


So. Life is good. For the most part. 


Oh. and by the way, fuck people that move away to college. Think they are hot shit. And treat their old friends like crap. Fuck that noise completely.

Birthday Birthday!!!! 

Its true, i wish certain people were still in my life to celebrate it, buuuut its all good. 
Were going to the beach at Kate's parent's beach house. 
A nice little get away and I'm very excited. 

Anyone up for coming???
Bring your friends. Your alcohol. And come party!!!!

I love the smell of chemicals on my head... not. 
But it will all be over soon and hopefully it will be good. 
And hopefully will be the color that is growing out of my head. 
So, natural, yes. 

I'm in new mexico right now. I get home in one week. 
I go to colorado on sunday. and on wednesday I see incubus at red rocks. 
I'm stoked. 
That will be the highlight of my summer so far for sure because so far... nothing has really happened. 

I feel ungrateful, but where is all the fun? where are my amazing times of my life? where are all the pictures I haven't taken with all the people I haven't hung out with?


so...i need to get on that when I get back. there are so many people i need to see. SO MANY!!!
Jackie is finally back and I haven't even hugged her or seen her fucking face yet!!! ...because im here. 
but when i get back... SHES GOING TO POP! because I'm going to hug the life out of her!!!!


So I get back in a week. Be ready for a phone call. Because I miss you all.

First day of summer was a few days ago. 
I got to go to Sauvie's Island and pick strawberries and go swimming for a little bit. 
That was fun. Then I had to work... not so fun. 
The last two days I've been pretty under the weather. It's hard to move, my throat is all swollen and I have a horrible headache. 
And I've had to work everyday for the last... forever it seems. 
 I wouldn't mind if I didn't feel like shit everyday. When it's a stuggle to move clearing off dirty tables and getting people water and food doesn't sound very appealing.
I still feel sick now but Im hoping work will be better tonight. 

So... this has been a really boring post but I'm not sure what else to say. 
I have two very special asian to write so I should do that soon. 

Oh yeah. Aymie is Japan right now and its been so lonely without her. Ive been keeping busy with people that I don't hang out with as much, so thats been good too. Bails is in Europe. Kate is in Vegas. 
My threesome has left. And I am here. 
The only besty I have left is Spencer and he is leaving for Spokane two days before aymie gets back. 
Thats in a week. How shittastic is that?

Hope everyone else is having an amaaazing summer. Mine will be amazing soon.

If you see us in the club, were acting real nice. 

That is the funniest shit ever. 
A freaky white girl, a vain yet undenyingly attractive white boy, and a black rapper all chillin the club.. dancing, mingling.. hanging, what have you. But everytime you see them, walk past them, catch a glimpse; they are smiling. Or shaking hands. Offering candy to little children. It doesn't matter.. but they are being real nice. And everyone is talking about it. 
"Did you see how NICE that black guy was? He gave me an almond joy and told me my skin tone matched my mini skirt perfectly. SO NICE, RIGHT?"
" Oh I know, I KNOW! Nelly Furtado just offered to watch my children a week so I could get out on the town more. HOW NICE!"

... how do nice niggas dance?



No offense was supposed to be made by my thoughts... but if you were.. sorry. 
impairedimpairedimpairedimpairedimpairedimpairedimpairedimpairedimpaired

Work is unbearable at this point. 
Too much drama to mention. I would love to be out of it. I would love to know nothing about the conflicts that are brewing inside of the Giovannis fucking restaurant...but I am involved and can't really get out of it at this point. 
Good. 


Everything else is shit too. 
Aymie and Andy have been there each day and that makes everything good.
Aymie's friend Corrinne came to town with her beebee but i didn't get to see the little one. 
We got incredibly drunk a few nights ago and that was very fun. 
Basically Aymie and Andy have kept me happy and secure. 
If I didn't have them here, wanting to spend time with me... I would be a big mess. 

If I look into certain situations too much right now, I get sad. 
People are against me and hating me for reasons that are unknown to me. 
That's always a good one. 
People are ignoring me and talking about me. 

But I'm going to ignore all that. Go to work. Come home to Aymie and Andy. 
Go to bed. 

I'm okay with that. 


In other news? 

I miss spencer bergen. I haven't been able to hang out with him the last few times and i feel shitty. 
Actually. I miss a lot of people. Ari. Whitney. Tia. Storm. Eric. Kate. JACKIE. Jeff. Keith. Spencer(s)
Hope summer is going good. 

One more day!!!
Then I'm done! Done with high school! 
I am so happy!!
But it hasn't really hit me yet. 


... I still have homework to do tonight so that I can graduate. Yessss...

I have decided that I want to practice Lucid Dreaming. 
It was a skill I discovered when I was younger. Sadly, it is one that I lost touch with over the last couple of years. 
I usually have a pretty good way with remembering my dreams... often and vividly. 
However, due to the stressful nature of my life, my pressing concerns and relentless thoughts have been fighting for my attention while beating out the memory space saved for my dreams. 
Ha.. nice description Melissa... 

So I am going to start working harder at remembering. Apparently there are tricks to remembering each night. 
I'm going to keep a journal. Record my dreams as soon as I wake up. 
Motivation is a big part of it too. 

In the end I will be able to ultimately know I am dreaming while I am dreaming. 
Meaning I may be able to tamper with what is going on and have control over the situations. 

How inspirational it will be. 
Back when I had incredibly vivid, long dreams, I always had something to write about. 
I want to get back to that again. 

I'm going to go take a nap...

Senior skip day is tommorrow. 
I get to make chicken noodle soup for my sickling of a boyfriend. 
I've actually been doing lots of work on my capstone right now, so it seems like things are finally coming together. 
I really hope so. 
I haven't been working out though. So basically I have been feeling like the fattest fuck that walked the planet. 
I know I'm not. But I still feel like I could be a destructive rolling ball of a person. Crushing anyone who crosses my path. 
Make no sense at all?

It is going to be 70 degrees tommorrow. GET OUTSIDE!!! GO PLAY!!  SKIP THE DAY!!!

Have fun! 
Have adventures!
DONT THINK ABOUT SCHOOL!!!
Don't you dare. 

And have a good weekend. 
Because mine starts tommorrow. :)


Oh. ps. INCUBUS IS COMING TO PORTLAND THIS SUMMER!!!
My dreams and prayers and hopes have come true. 
I got so excited that I peed a little. 
(but just a little. so it's not disgusting.)

If it's not asking too much, could you give me my inspiration back?
I'm in dire need of it, and I will admit, I miss it. 
Life is Oh So boring without inspiration so if you could send it on back to me, I would very much appreciate it. 
After all the sun is coming out and the days are getting longer. 
I'll have to have some inspiration to write about all these wonderful things around me. 
Thank you. 


Least I have my coffee.

So as of late, things in my life have been spectacular. 
I am finally content and happy with the way things are. 
Capstone is getting a little better. School is almost over. I am accepted to Evergreen. And I'm with a very sweet boy who makes me very happy. Yes. I said sweet. I wasnt expecting it either.
And yet, it seems that there is a constant turmoil around me. 
Some things cannot be helped. And others are just blown way the fuck out of proportion. 
Why? 
So much chaos and drama has been generating around me, that it is almost effecting the happiness I have finally obtained. 
Most of it doesn't even need to involve me. And though I've been steering clear and practically fleeing at the sight of problems that AREN'T mine to begin with. I somehow wind up becoming a mediator and BAM. I'm involved. 
I'm so sick of it, it's unbelievable. 
I'm always there for my friends, but fuckingshit. Get happy! Be smart! Grow up!!!! 
I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to cater to and please these people. 

And im done. 
And done with my rant.

I'm still in a decent mood considering no one else was today. 
And I have been called into work two hours before the shift. Right after school. 
Meaning I have to spend four hours at merlo on Thursday because I also work tommorrow. 
Oh well. 
Money is the upside. Ipod?Ipod?Ipod?


Incubus is still amazing. Apparently Brandon Boyd wrote a book that is coming out in May. 
I'd go to his book signing but it is on the same day as Prom. 
Confliction? Just a tad. 
Oh well. I'm still going to buy it. And it will still be amazing. 

I hope everyone else is doing alright. 
It's almost over. Almost over. Almost over over over.

I wish I had enough money to buy all of Incubus' cd's. 
Then I wouldn't have to burn them. 
The day will come when I can afford them. 
And I will purchase them. 

For now I will burn them before I go to Target on the search of a cardigan. 
Because cardigans are more important then paying for the music I listen to?
Baaad Karma Melissa. 

I get Wednesdays at Giovannis now. 
Get the money. Dolla Dolla bills ya'll. 

Wutang Clan?

(aint nothing to fuck with)

Things have been good. Extremely good actually. And I've been really happy. 
It's so nice to be cared about. 
Capstone is still a major bitch, but I just have to remember that everyone else is in the same boat as me. 
Were all screwed. And we all know not to be overly critical of each other. 
Seniors in general seem to be more understanding of each other lately. 
Whether were all friends or not. 
Mushy moment annnyyoonneee?

Tonight will be a much needed refreshment with my favorite three-o. Storm Jeff and Bails. 
Plus me. 

So I'm at Merlo right now and Bailey is looking up things for her maps on google images. 
Let me tell you. 
Some of the ridiculous pictures of people that are on there... so funny. 

Pacific northwest =


hahahahahhaa

So its a little cute. 
And a little official?
And I'm a little happy.
But just a little. 

And its been beautiful outside. Frisbee is a must. 
Work is not. But I have no choice. Meh. Whatever. 
Mary might get fired meaning more shifts for mee!
Haha.. just one shift most likely. But its something.

Toast is soooo good. 
Mmmm. 

Prom dress shopping with Bailey tommorrow. 
Good thing we have dates.

My teeth are finally free. 
The braces are gonegonegone.
I'm so happy. But I don't know how to smile so I'm.. trying to work on that?

Two more days and it is spring break. 
The much awaited week 1/2 of nothingness. 
Yesssssssssssss. 
Though I'm a bit torn because darling Kate is gone for most of my break with Joshua and her family in Flordia. 
Last year I spent every night of spring break with those two either at my house or at Joshua's. 
So its a little heartbreaking knowing neither of them will be here to do it again.
Other than that things are good. 
Much better. 

Lets here it for coffee. 
Eh? Ehh??

mmmm. Coffeeeeee.

Ew.
I just read this really disturbing article from Rolling Stone magazine: Fall Out Boy. 
I read the article. I viewed the pictures. 
Lock your doors tonight. Seal your windows. 
Carry pepper spray where ever you go. 
Because Pete Wentz will rape you. 
Or punch you.  
Or make you listen to his shitty music and make you say that his band is the best in the world. 
I don't lie. 

He's a creep. 

... and the other guys in the band dont matter.
They aren't pete wentz. 
They may as well not even be in the band. 
Because they dont write the lyrics. They dont play the music. THEY ARENT PETE FUCKING WENTZ. 
THEREFORE. ...
they don't exist. 

FALL OUT BOY wasnt on the cover of the rolling stone. 
No NO! that would be silly. 
Pete Wentz. He was on the cover. The other people behind him,( that ARE wearing shirts), are blurs. 
And they dont matter. 


AT ALL..


....hiiiigh.